April 14, 2009

wrecked

I do not know any of these people, yet as I sit here and read their stories my eyes pool up with tears and the knot in my throat grows. I feel vaguely like I might vomit, guts twisted because the loss I imagine is just so intensely physical. I've worried sporadically that "something" might happen, and I wonder how on earth we could ever go on if it did. I just cannot imagine the pain and the hole that such a loss would create, so I don't. Except today, when the whole damn world seems to be diabolically united to force me to. A few hours ago I walked into our own nursery and I looked at the place that we have carved out for Lincoln in our lives, and I imagine what would happen if our life took that crooked path. We don't even know him yet, but he is so much a part of our life that I can't imagine it without him. Don't want to and won't. Shouldn't have to, really. It's just so unfair, the things that life can bring. So unfair.