October 8, 2009

workin' mama?

Yesterday I did something that I haven't done in months, and honestly thought that I wouldn't do for many months more. That's right- I interviewed for a job!

I've been applying for various positions since January, and as I've mentioned here before, my applications seem to travel straight from my email box to the black hole the moment I hit send. I've gotten a couple of rare and fruitless calls back, and even one offer to work as a money launderer, but not much else. As a result, I was rather surprised last week to receive a call the same day that I sent my resume to a local business who was advertising on Craigslist.

The interview went really well, and it seemed that my experience and interests meshed well with the company philosophy and their needs. It's a part time position, 16 hours per week over three days, with the potential for more hours later. It sounds like a really great job that I think that I would enjoy doing.

Except...

I'm not fully convinced that I want to go back to work right away, and it definitely wasn't part of the plan that I would. We've resigned ourselves to the fact that we'll be living carefully on one paycheck because we believe that it's best for Lincoln if I stay home. I can't imagine leaving him in a daycare, and we've even turned down baby sitting offers from my mother-in-law because we don't think any of us are ready for that just yet. The guilt that I feel even thinking about being away from him for an extended period is enough to break my heart.

And even if I was mentally prepared for it, there's the monetary factor as well. Child care doesn't come cheap, and it's unlikely that I would even make enough working (full or part-time) to cover the added expense. Add in the cost for my commute and the additional expenses involved with being a member of the workforce again, and it's probable that we'd actually spend more.

But...

All logic aside, there's a sliver of a percentage of my mind that wants to have a job again. I realized the other day that 2009 is almost over, and I haven't worked formally since January 15th! If it hadn't been for the two weeks we spent selling off the equipment after the business closed last December, I wouldn't even get a W-2 this year! It's just so strange to think about.

I think perhaps if I hadn't been unemployed for so long, I wouldn't have this (tiny) longing for work- for something that's just mine. I mean, there's plenty to keep me busy if it's just the labor I'm after. My to-do list has been growing as steadily as our son, and no matter how much I try, I can't seem to squeeze enough time out of the day to ever get anything done.

Fortunately for me, I have a wonderful and understanding husband who totally gets it. He supports the desire to stay home with Lincoln and he also knows that I might need to have a job in order to get out if the house a little and maintain sanity. Either way, it's going to mean sacrifice and hardship to a certain extent. I haven't been offered the job yet, but if I am, we'll have to decide how to handle it and weigh the costs carefully. Emotional, financial, developmental... How do you decide what weighs heaviest?