July 14, 2010

Oh, hell to the no.

And here, verbatim, the email that I just composed and sent to my husband, who is currently in Atlanta on business. Subject line above.
So. Let me tell you about my evening! After we talked on the phone, I did some laundry, and I was hanging out, writing a little bit in Lincoln's baby book. It was about nine, so I decided to take the book up to bed with me to catch up on the months of entries that I haven't done and enjoy a glass of wine. Then I changed my mind, and thought that maybe instead I would work on it while I watched the Twilight movie that I rented the other day. I settled in on the couch with the book and my wine, and then I started wondering where that peculiar smell might be coming from... I checked under the couch for presents from Loki, but there was nothing, so I thought maybe it was just the new reed diffuser that I moved in here the other day. I turned on my movie, started writing in the book, and sipped my wine. Still, I just couldn't shake that smell. Does it kind of smell like something dead might smell? Curiouser and curiouser, I thought, but still, couldn't find anything, so assumed I must be crazy, or maybe your socks were just balled up somewhere and taunting me. Sat longer, and eventually got down on my hands and knees to smell the carpet to see if I could pinpoint it. Nothing. Hmmm... maybe we spilled something on the blanket. Yes, that blanket that I have pulled up on my lap. Maybe I should reach down and smell it. Oh! Yup, that's it! Maybe I should throw it over the back of the couch because it reeks! Oh, wait! Did a mother fucking dead mouse just fall out of the blanket, just narrowly missing my LAP?!?!?!? Yes. Yes it did. And yes, I have never moved that fast ever, up and over the back of the couch, without spilling one drop of my wine. Because that's just how I roll. It took me about fifteen minutes to compose myself enough to determine how I was going to get the reeking dead mouse from the couch without vomiting or going into convulsions, but thanks to one garbage bag, one rubber glove, and one dust pan and broom, I finally managed it. Still haven't figured out how to disinfect the couch so it's safe to sit on. Have vacuumed and Febreezed the bejeezus out of it, but there's no anti-bacterial components there. I've checked. Have also locked the cat door, and am considering filling it with concrete. Also started a craigslist ad for the cat, but can't figure out a convincing way to sell an eleven year old clawless mouser/birder/voler to the unsuspecting public. Might try again after more wine. Anyway, hope you slept well! Love you!
XO -tiff
So, as you can see, even though I haven't been here much, you clearly haven't missed anything. As they say, people: it's just the same shit, different day.